What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:55
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What are some ballbusting stories?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Im still living with it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why does the God of the Bible condemn homosexual acts?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were not on the streets..
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
She married twice! .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who is the most dangerous or evilest person of all time?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Who then, do I blame.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!